The Ups and Downs of a Gal's Life

Life is full of ups and downs.

When I'm there on the top of the hill - I am warily looking into the future and couldn't stop thinking about how hurtful will it be when it's heading South.
When I'm down here at the bottom - I am gloomily looking into the hill ahead of me and questioning whether or not it is possible for me to get back up there.

Along the same lines - when I'm on top of the hill, I don't enjoy and accept any of the compliments. But when I'm down here at the bottom - I condemned myself to listen to the imaginary whispers of bad comments or talk of my failure. Worse, I replay that again and again until I convinced myself it is not imaginary.

I realised that this is all internal. I'm doing it to myself. Why?

Perhaps, I have set my self expectation too high. Not only that... I also don't know how to appreciate myself and my achievements. My awesome self. Hmm.. yeah right. It's unfair. But who/what is unfair? Me? Sigh!

It is a little confusing.

There are days where I don't feel this at all. There are days where it is all bright, shiny and colourful. Then - all of a sudden - the gloominess just come and cloud every trace of light and air. Is this what depression feels like? But why would someone with such a wonderful life filled with piles of awesome people and magical events like me be depressed? There should be no reason for me to be depressed.

I realised that I definitely be asking for more than what I already have in my life. If anything - whatever I am lacking of today - it is purely my doing. My not trying hard enough, my lack of self discipline, or my lack of focus. But maybe that is just it. My constant self blame and low tolerance is bad for me. I need to get rid of it. I'll be happier for it.

Then again - perhaps there is this other potential source of gloominess...

How true is the saying "better to have tried and failed"? Or in my case, "better to have ever succeeded only to find out that you can sustain it"?

Two ways to look at it I suppose. One, I've been there done that and it should be a matter of doing the same thing to get there. Two, the depression and stress from failing to sustain it emphasize the question of how do I know that I'll sustain the success this time around. If I'm not going to be able to sustain it, why bother doing it again?

........

I guess - once again it's my choice. It's my life. It's up to me.

Do I want to let go, indulge temporarily at the expense of constant peek-a-boo from the gloominess?
Or do I put some boundaries around the indulgence - so that I can enjoy the bright shiny colourful life without the gloominess?

I know what is right for me.

The first option hadn't been working for me the past year. It has put me into mood swings and stressful moments. Whereas the second option has proven to hold me together. I have managed to balance it once and I love the feel of the balance.

The funny thing is that I know the solution to my problem. I know that if I talked to that old self about my issue - I would get speech along this lines...

I know how to get back on track again. I'm too slack. Stop looking for the non-existent magical cheats that don't exist. Just enforce some self discipline! Heck - I don't even need to stop indulging. Just not indulging constantly.

You know what they say, the first step is the hardest! Do they say that? Not sure.. LOL. =D

But - I know that there is a saying that goes "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step." - Lao Tzu
and ... "Two step forward and one step backward is still one step forward."
That's what I'm going to do. Start small. Aim small. Just be consistent. Because "consistency is the key".

Or so the other me has learned and proven...

Anyways - just a reminder post for myself to stop being a slack ass and start getting my sh*t together! It is time!

PS: Omigosh - I can't believe it has been nearly a year since our wedding (well - between me & Mr...). It's crazy - this time last year I was organizing the final details of our honeymoon trip to the States and the wedding day. It's crazy that a year has gone by so quick - but at the same time - so much have happen, has it really only been a year? Mr. is just so much a part of my life that I can't recall what was life like before this. :P